SlashNOT

SCRaTCH writes: Leading music distributors have announced that they have joined forces in the latest attempt to rid the internet of the parasitic plague dubbed “File Sharing”.

In an astonishingly original report published today, it has been revealed that they are going to destroy File-Sharing by the end of next month by only releasing music that is of such poor quality, no-one would want to download it in the first place.

An insider in the music industry explained:

“Initially we passed off this File-Sharing as a load of silly piffle but after a while we realised that these people needed to be stopped. We set up a crack team of cyber-spies to research piracy and after 18 months of research on one web-site, we drew a blank. We realised that a new approach was needed”

“One of our brain-storming sessions came up with the idea of changing the names of the mp3’s to something different. We tested this idea by uploading Queen’s ‘Under Pressure’ and renaming it to “Mozarts Clarinet Concerto”. This was a HUGE success. We didn’t get a single download. But we knew we needed to do more.

“We tried flooding Kazaa with MP3’s that let out a high-pitched scream every few seconds but they were actually embraced by so-called “Techno Remix Culture”. Some Gabba people in Rotterdam simply did something to it with a device called a ‘Goldwave’, ramped it up to 260 bpm, added a heavy bass-drum every 1/16th of a second and they had a European hit in all those Underground rave-things. The high pitched squeal became the most sampled sound in the history of Dance Music, no matter what speed they played it at. We were gutted”

“What made the situation worse is that they were on an Indie label and made a packet off the eventual album by releasing the promo for free to File-Sharers. They had no packaging or distribution costs either. Its a disgrace”

Our insider continued…..

“We were really excited about this new “Trusted Computing Platform” and had the idea of making our own soundcard which would detect anything being played through it that was below 44.1khz stereo and, when it did, it was gonna like EXPLODE and blow the bastards to bits and make them see that we meant business and WE’D HAVE WON.

“But the do-gooders kept whinging about whether PC users would buy hardware that could kill them and even those Trusted Computing people didn’t trust us and they wouldn’t let us run the whole thing from this office – so we’re taking legal action against them”

Summing up, our man revealed that a final broadside is due.

“We’re pressing hard to get P2P recognised as a Terrorist Act but in the meantime, we’re releasing music that is so crap, no-one is going to want to download it”

However, rumour is rife in the File-Sharing community that P2P will continue unabated

“It doesn’t matter how crap the music is” said one sharer “If it comes up in a search – i’ll download it. I’ve got stacks of stuff here that I download & never listen to. I’ll put it with that lot”