SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Michael Moncur, CEO of Starlingtech, Editor and CTO of SlashNOT, Optimist Prime at figby.com, and Editor of quotationspage.com, has been tapped to replace Carly Fiorina as CEO of HP.

In a surprise move, the HP board moved quickly to replace Ms. Fiorina after the company suffered lackluster performance following its acquisition of Compaq. Stating that Mr. Moncur’s combination of business experience, technical expertise, extremely low salary requirements, and sense of humor made him the perfect replacement for the glamorous yet completely unfunny Ms. Fiorina. The difference between their salaries will dramatically improve HP’s bottom line in the coming year.

As his first move, Mr. Moncur has announced a general apology to the public for some of HP’s missteps during Ms. Fiorina’s time at the top.

“Firstly, I’d like to apologize for HP’s entire line of laptops. I’d like to apologize for the cancellation of the Alpha microprocessor, and for the fact that HP printers never really line up with Avery labels or feed the paper straight. Finally, I’d like to apologize for having spun off the test equipment division that made this company great and giving it such a stupid name. If you thought spinning off the test equipment division and buying Compaq looked like short-sighted attempts to bump up share price at the expense of long-term strength, you’re right, and I apologize for that too. From now on, we’re going to do things the HP way.”