SlashNOT

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Subj: SlashNOT is not your blog

Please stop posting your self absorbed, pedantic, bathetic, observations about other sef-absorbed pedantic bathetic people in your trivial life here. They won’t get posted. Slashnot is moderated—only content that is “actually funny” gets through. We all have coworkers that suck, mothers that smother, fathers that ignore, cats that die, lego creations that we think are the coolest thing ever (okay, maybe that’s just me), observations about how nobody else seems to really understand database normalization deeply, and our own bizarre shell scripting language preferences, and the realization that high-tech Japanese toilets reveal that an entire culture can be more than a little anally obsessed. But no matter how life-altering those observations are to you, they’re just whiney, unimaginative, pedestrian observations that literally everyone else has. So go get an account on blogger or livejournal and post your crap there for nobody to read.

P.S. Click Continue to read the submission that prompted this rant.

Sheena Sullivan writes: The New Guy

By Sheena Sullivan

“Don’t look directly at him! Maybe he won’t see you. No! Stay still. Maybe he can’t see me if I don’t move.” I’m already uttering these words to myself. I’m frozen. It’s first thing in the morning. It must be, because I have just mistaken my coworker as a Tyrannosaurs Rex. “I can’t believe HE’S here!” I say with revulsion. I don’t even have time to hide from him. I’m a deer frozen in the headlight, just waiting to plowed over by a bus named Joseph. “Ah…Hi, Joseph.” I manage to babble out and make a quick dash. I hear him from behind, “Hey there, Sully!” in a squeaky voice that I’ve come to loathe. I’ve just come into work. I can’t find that wretched instant black coffee that has replaced the blood in my twenty-four year old body. I’m not in the mood.

I’ve been up since five thirty. I’ve been attempting to study Arabic. I feel more than discouraged and I don’t want to deal with him, the new guy. I should be grateful to have him around. He is the only other native English speaker that I know. I can talk to him and he understands me, no miming necessary. I can’t speak Korean, I could learn, but nah. Even though the ability to communicate with another human being in my mother tongue has become a luxury beyond belief, I can’t stand this guy.

I’ve been in Korea for about five months. I teach at a little English school in Gangneung. It would be a great place to work if I was paid on time and I was the only teacher. But no, there are two teachers me and the new guy. And as a person, I am incapable of dealing with the new guy. (Yes, even I have my faults.)

I’ve always hated the new guy. It doesn’t really matter where I encounter them. I could be at my old insurance job that I so fondly call “Hell,” or a lame restaurant job, or that stupid fat kid in Kindergarten. (You know HE did eat MY snackpack!) I’ve always had it out for these people. I guess the whole idea of them entering into MY domain was too much for me. I don’t like to get too far out of my safety zone. This must be all too apparent as I write from Korea. But looking back all these times where I have misjudged the new guy it was all in preparation. It was all part of a greater plan. These times were just preparing me to deal with JOSEPH. These other new guys were just stepping-stones to the ultimate worst coworker EVER.

Why? This might be what you are asking yourself. Well, please let me explain, don’t rush to the conclusion that I might be a little too judgmental for my own good. Oh…Joseph, Joseph, Joseph…JOSEPH!!! Where do I begin? He’s the expert, ON EVERYTHING. He can speak Thai…(whatever.) He can fly airplanes…(I can’t believe he’s never crashed. He’s such a moron) He’s a computer wiz…(aren’t we all?)

And he’s the ultimate inventor. He’s always got the best and newest idea. “This one will revolutionize the world!!!” he says so undeservingly confident. Oh, the marketing? Don’t worry about that, Joseph KNOWS the market. I’m sure he can tell you all about his marketing strategy. But let me warn you. You need to be heavily sedated before stepping into that conversation. It’ll start out fine and dandy. He’ll being to talk about the new widget that he’s designed and his shipping plan from his imaginary factory outside of Marseille and by the end you’ll understand how to change a tire on a stealth bomber. His train of thought derails like an Amtrak.

To better illustrate the concept of Joseph let me use this analogy. You’re hungry and you go to a restaurant. At this restaurant they’ve got everything. I mean everything. There’s chicken marsala, sweet and sour pork, the ultimate hamburger, curry, pizza, Shepherd’s pie, enchiladas, and paella. You know before ordering it’s going to be one bad dinner. There is no way that they can make all of this stuff and it taste good. You have to specialize. You can’t be good at everything.

So is Joseph good at all these things? Maybe. But like that God-awful dinner, our acquaintance leaves me feeling more than a little less satisfied. Since our first meeting, we have never had an opportunity to talk about any of his areas of expertise in great detail or much less with any degree of fluency. Because when we do talk, which is completely instigated by him, he speaks so eloquently of his favorite topic. Health condtions. And to be more specific his health conditions.

“Is this lotion going to stop me from wrinkling?”…(He shows me some bottle that’s completely in Korean.) “Is it normal to have a zit that looks like this? It really hurts.” (Yuck!) “Isn’t it weird how my hands are this cold all the time? Here, feel them.” No, Joseph! Please don’t make me touch your hands! Please I believe you, just GO AWAY! And by the way, YES! That zit is really weird! And HOPEFULLY that lotion will kill you somehow!!!

And please let me remind you, this is the ONLY person that I have immediate contact with that speaks English. It almost tempts me to learn Korean. Hmm…Nah! It could never be that bad!

So last week it finally got out of hand. I took my hatred for the new guy to a whole other level. I encouraged him to do a midnight run. This meaning to pack up his things and leave the country. It happens with some frequency in teaching ESL (English as a Second Language). Sometimes teachers get to a school, it’s not what they had expected and they back up and head for the hills! I went as far as to strategize with him. I even tried to help him to finance the vanishing act.

OH! WHAT’S BECOME OF ME! So this week I resolved to be kind to Joseph. I had gone too far. I even have my limits. I was going to exchange pleasantries and be friendly. I’m sure judging from what I have written, I’m not exactly exuding kindness, but I really am an incredibly friendly person. For GODSAKES it’s one of the few things I am really good at!

But, Oh! Joseph, Joseph, Joseph. At my first attempt at this renewed niceness he started. He started talking about how he’s lost so much weight and how he’s dying and …I don’t really know…I just stopped listening at one point.

So might I just add, on a very discouraged note, that I tried, but sometimes you just can’t accept the new guy. Our differences are too vast. In my mind, I am normal, and well, he’s Joseph. So to all of you with lives with a degree of normalcy and at times mundane, let me just say, I envy you. I envy you and your real apartments, real car payments, and real NORMAL people to speak to on a daily basis. I envy you.

So the next time that annoying coworker starts to talk to you about their kid and proceeds to show you the trash the child tried to pass off as art. Rest assured it’s not a conversation about an in grown toenail or rash on their…I don’t know. Like I said, at some point you just have to stop listening to keep your sanity and retain the bits you have left.