SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Salt Lake area High School Junior Martin Steck graduated from geekdom to dorkdom last Friday when he recounted his expoits while playing the World War II themed first-person shooter “Call of Duty” as if they had actually happened to him during class.

“Man, it was so damned cool. So I’m playing Russian Junior Sergant Alexi Voronin during the siege of Stalingrad, you know, that battle that the movie “Enemy at the Gate” is based on? Anyway, I was holed up in this bombed out apartment complex awaiting re-enforcements. Jerries were coming out of the woodwork, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to make it, when I hit on the idea of hiding in the bathroom. I could hear the screams of my comrades being dispatched, but the Germans couldn’t find me until I stepped out and then back in. But man, they were on me like roaches after that. I backed up into the bathroom and just started unloading with an MP40 I’d taken off of a German officer two floors down. Bodies were piling up like you wouldn’t believe. I was grabbing medpacks and ammunition off the dead bodies to kill the new ones coming in! Anyway, after killing about twelve of them, they stopped coming. I ventured out, and it turned out that I’d cleared the entire apartment complex! Sadly, I was the only Russian left, but hey, it was a brilliant strategy.”

Former close friend Alan “The Roach” Roche lamented the loss. “I just couldn’t hang out with him in good conscience after that. I guess he doesn’t realize that the game plays the same way for everyone or something, or that the cool kids don’t play first-person shooters and wouldn’t understand his visceral reaction he had, or what visceral even means. Maybe he’d never seen a first-person shooter before. I don’t know. But I can’t be stigmatized any more than I already am by hanging out with that much of a dork.”