SlashNOT

chris writes: Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson today announced that the government intends to put the entire nation on a diet. Non-eating zones (or NEZs) will be established in areas where obesity rates are above normal, such as near Wal-Mart stores and Winn Dixie supermarkets.

Non-eating zones means that the public will not be allowed to consume high calorie foods (HCF), or alcohol, tobacco or firearms (ATF). Violators will be required to take mandatory fitness classes or pay a fine.

The non-eating zones program will be implemented in phases:

1. Non-eating zones will be established in public buildings.
2. HCF related advertising will be banned from TV.
3. Areas that have an obesity rate above 50% will be designated non-eating zones.
4. Restaurants and shops in non-eating zones will be required to apply for a license which will be granted only on a case per case basis. Restaurants without licenses will be limited to serving water, coffee, and non-fat dairy creamer.

When asked about possible reactions from McDonald’s and Burger King, Secretary Thompson replied, “The health of our children has to come first. Man, children are a great excuse, aren’t they? I just love them.”