SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Ozzy Osbourne, former lead singer of Ozzy Osbourne, has been resurrected from death after a quad motorcycle accident on his estate in England.

“Ozzy sold his soul a long time ago,” reports wife Sharon Osbourne. “That’s what accounts for his iconic fame based on just three or four radio hits, and the rejuvenation of his career as a lovable zombie on our hit TV show, and the inability of drugs, alcohol, and vehicles to actually kill him. He will remain in a state of animated undeath until such a time as our dark lord has finished his hoary mission and anointed a new Prince of Bleeping Darkness. We’ve been hoping that our son Jack could take over for him, but so far our Dark Lord hasn’t shown any interest in magically creating a career for him.”