SlashNOT

In a lengthy message posted on a Web site, al Qaeda leaders claimed responsibility for a recent spate of gigantic solar storms.

“We’ve elevated the Threat Level to red,” said Tom Ridge, Secretary of Homeland Security. “Solar flares have been known to take out power grids and disrupt cell phone and satellite communication. We are advising all Americans to review procedures for communicating with friends and loved ones without the use of cell phones, email or instant messaging. The important thing is, everyone should stay calm.”

Meanwhile, Americans ponder what they would do if critical path technology failed. “I don’t know how I would pick out a DVD at the video store or do our grocery shopping without being able to call my wife from the store on my cell phone.” said one man. “This could be the end of civilization as we know it.”

“The American people can rest assured that our scientists are working around the clock to contain this threat,” said Ridge. “The first thing we have to figure out though, is how this group of people who live in tents and caves figured out how to attack us with our own sun. That and how it is there can be solar flares at night.”