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Jason Simpson writes:

Apple Releases the iCloset

San Francisco, CA - At a networking and storage convention today, Apple announced it will be releasing a revolutionary new technology titled the iCloset. The iCloset is a generic storage device which can be used anywhere in the home as well as for business applications. It easily stores a multitude of heterogenous items and is highly configurable.

Aside from it’s functionality, Apple has stayed true to their commitment to aesthetics giving iCloset users a range of options for integrating the device into almost any room’s decor. “For example, we offer several doors for the iCloset,” said James Horder, iCloset spokesperson. “One is a standard door which appears to the user to be like any other door in the room, for seamless integration. More elaborate configurations include ’sliding’ doors, which may appeal to the more advanced user.” Horder also hints at configurations with ‘mirrored sliding doors’ which might target customers in the same demographic as those who use the iBrator.

There are no plans to develop doors which have the look and feel of Windows.

While critics are impressed, they still have some reservations. “I mean, I like the idea of being able to put all of my stuff away in one place, it seems like it would be easier to find things when I needed them.” said convention goer Carla Dreck. “But my concern is that average users with the ’standard’ or ’swinging’ door may become confused, mistaking it as an access point to another location or application.” According to Dreck, in the worst case this could lead to incidents where users are attempting to drag unwanted items to the garbage can, but find themselves in the closet instead. “Due to the laziness of the average Mac user,” Dreck continued, “they would probably just leave the item there. This would eventually impact system performance.”

Others show concerns regarding legal issues. One convention goer who wishes to remain anonymous voiced his concerns. “Some might argue that the ‘coat hanger’, which is an integral component of the iCloset, providing for nearly 90 percent of it’s functionality, is built on top of the ‘bent metal wire’ technology already patented by Microsoft circa 712 A.D.” He then went on to produce several stone tablets from his briefcase to verify the validity of his claim and declared that his back was killing him. Some onlookers were shocked to see this new evidence while others simply thought he had been “carrying a dell around in that bag.” Microsoft has already testified that the ‘bent metal wire’ technology cannot be decoupled from their operating system.

Aside from the negative criticism, some eager customers are already planning on what they will use their iClosets for. “I plan to store my skins in one.” said eager Mac use H. Lecter.

One Linux user was unimpressed, reiterating that this technology has already been available on Linux in the form of the ’shelf’. “All you really need is some brackets and a board. And then of course some screws and a drill. Or maybe a hammer and some nails instead. Beginners might want to use a stud finder but real hackers know how to knock.” He added that using a level was completely unnecessary. This may seem needlessly complex to some users which has resulted in newer distributions of Linux shipping with a ’shelf script’ which will automate the process.