SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Citing sales more dismal than predictions were ludicrous (and a factory making 1000 times fewer units than originally predicted) Segway Corporation has announced that from this moment on, it will cease producing Human Transporters and begin producing Human Preservers (Segway HP)

“We vastly overestimated the demand for a device that had all the benefits of a skateboard with none of its advantages. We’ve learned, and we’re moving on.”

“Our new product will solve an even bigger human problem and will change civilization as we know it. We are introducing a Human Cryogenic Preserver that is able to freeze a human body for storage and later re-warming. We’ve perfected the process of vitrification (solidification without freezing) by using high-resolution mazers and a special combination of chemicals to prevent crystal formation during the freezing process. In our early tests, nearly half of the goldfish we froze survived the process, so we’ve decided the time is right to bring a human product to market.”

When asked about government certification and potential applications, Dean Kamen speculated that some city ordinances might have to be rewritten, and identified FedEx as a “no-brainer” client for the technology.