SlashNOT

Michael writes: Just in time for the holidays, we’ve received answers from Santa Claus for our interview questions. We thank Mr. Claus for answering promptly despite his impossibly busy schedule. Read on for the answers…

As usual, our readers submitted their questions and we sent the highest-moderated ones to Santa Claus. The questions and his unedited answers follow.

1) Global Warming
by Anonymous Coward

As someone who lives on one of the poles, what are your thoughts about global warming? Do you have a contingency plan in case the North pole becomes sunny Acapulco?

Santa: I’m as much of an environmentalist as the next guy, but I think the threat is overrated. And in the event it becomes warm here, I’m not going anywhere - do you think I like living in a frozen wasteland with nobody but Mrs. Claus, a bunch of elves, reindeer, and Superman for company?

2) Online
by Albatross

Hey santa, are you online? Do you have a we=b site? If not, why not? What newsgroups do you lurk in?

Santa: I’m over a thousand years old, computers make no sense to me. I’m writing this with a fountain pen and the elves will be keying it into the e-mail unit.

We will be deploying a system next year to monitor the Internet and find out who’s being naughty and nice, though. It’s similar to Mr. Bush’s system.

3) Linux
by LUser22

We’ve been hearing rumors that you have switched to Linux or MacOS. Which one, and why?

Santa: As I said, I’m a low-tech guy. I’d have to ask Derek the IT elf about that one. I thought we were sticking to IBM, but I’m not the one to ask. [Derek here: we're actually locked into a 20-year contract with Novell. It's embarrassing.]

4) Laws of Physics
by Gnorman

Santa, my friend forwarded me an email that said you and your raindeer violate the laws of physics. It said you travel so fast that you and the sleigh would either be vaporized or crushed by centrifugal force. How do you answer these doubters?

Santa: I could go on and on about this - for starters, there’s no such thing as centrifugal force, it’s really just a notational convenience used to describe a combination of inertia and a relative lack of centripetal force - but that’s another story. Believe me, we have rooms full of scientist elves studying this stuff constantly, I don’t even understand half of it.

But to actually answer the question, yes, various parts of what we do each Christmas do violate the laws of physics. When the laws of physics were established by Newton in 1687, we were already in business, so we were grandfathered in. Our waiver expires in 2006, though, so you geeks better invent some kind of Star Trek teleporter by then or we’ll be in trouble.

5) Linux and Penguins
by Al B. Traus

Hey, we’re all Linux fans here and we love penguins. How do you enjoy living with penguins? Do you have any funny penguin stories?

Santa: What are you, twelve? Everyone knows penguins live on the South pole. I have only seen one penguin, and that was at the San Diego zoo.

6) Do you exist?
by Virginia

A substitute teacher in Florida got in trouble for telling her class you don’t exist. What do you think about this? Should the teacher be punished?

Santa: It was probably an innocent mistake, many adults don’t believe I exist and that’s fine with me. I don’t believe in some of them either. (This means you, Ballmer. Stop sending lobbyists.)

The thing that really bothers me about this one is that they hired someone to impersonate me to prove the teacher wrong. That wasn’t me. If I had time to take an extra trip to Florida this time of year, it wouldn’t be to visit schools.

7) US Security
by Michael

We just posted a story about your current situation with the Bush administration. What are you going to do without flight clearance? Will you visit the US at all?

Santa: I haven’t heard about any of this. There was a minor border skirmish last week, but my lawyers tell me that’s resolved. What is this, some kind of joke site? I thought you said you worked for Slashdot.

Anyway, I’m out of time, so Merry Christmas or the holiday of your particular religious or secular preference to all and to all a good night.