SlashNOT

As a paragon of Internet editorial style, Slashnot is leading the way towards cleaning up the fetid linguistic trashpile that is the World Wide Web. Accordingly, we are releasing a series of !style notes in the form of negative examples. We occasionally receive submissions that don’t meet our strict editorial standards. Sometimes, they miss the mark by such a wide margin that they become funny in their own right. On those occasions, we’ve decided to publish them as negative examples of style. The following submission (click Continued) illustrates the following errors of style:

1. Be funny, at least to yourself.
2. Don’t create your submission as a thinly veiled attempt to include your own link. But feel free to do this on other sites using a link to Slashnot.
3. Use a spell checker, a grammar checker, and a reality checker.
4. Don’t use Micro$oft. It’s just not funny anymore.
5. Never misuse the term “unpresidented”.
6. Never refer to “God” as “Gaud”, unless that’s actually the name of your deity.
7. Have at least a passing familiarity with the process that you are satirizing, or plagiarize an article that seems to.
8. Don’t try to include every cliched stereotype you can think of in a single story.

Remember that Slashnot edits all submissions, and that we reserve the right to make fun of you along with everyone else.

[AOL Screenname as a website] writes: In a suprise move Tuesday, Micro$oft Corporation (M$FT) announced their patient for Evolution has been recently granted by the US Patient Office. “We have invented a novel means by which to own the world around us,” said a Micro$oft spokesbot interviewed by an MSNBC correspondent, “we know of no prior art to this process” the bot continued.

Several Universities contest the move as “unwarranted” and “unpresidented,” and have stated an intent to file in US District court an injunction against the patient: “Evolution is tried and true, it is *not* a new idea, furthermore it has been a well-researched and well-documented theory, this patient is an afront to reason!” Barked [Posting entities "hacker" handle] of The [Posting entity's dumbass website] Empire representing the coalition of gate-keepers oft referred to as: Higher Educators. When asked what the hell he had to do with any of this [Posting entities "hacker" handle] responded: “well, [Posting entity's dumbass website] hasn’t been updated in over a year and I need another excuse to delay further updates, all this legal stuff is a gaud-sent.” The Electronic Frontier Foundation has also issued a press release in response to the patient stating that “evolution rightfully belongs in the public domain” and is currently said to be “exploring its legal options.”

“This patient is dredging up more controversy than we ever imagined,” said Attorney Witch-hunter John Ashcroft between burnings on Wednesday, “Big corporations have every right to these types of patients,” he continued. The Kansas School Board concurred: “evolution is just another theory,” Superintenent Father Right said in a press release that same night. Despite this, widespread the debate hasn’t seemed to have erupted everywhere, an NDSU Tenured Professor was questioned briefly as he was trying to dig his HMS Ford Gigantasoar out of a snowbank: “I’ve got better things to do than waste my time thinking about things” he said hotly.

Despite all the commotion what Micro$oft decides to do with its new patient remains in doubt. The spokesbot declined from further details: “it is against our corporate policy to disclose methodology for achieving global domination, I cannot comment further,” it said. Whether Micro$oft starts enforcing its patient rights immediately is yet to be seen, it’s been widely believed that entities incapible of paying such as reclusive animal species and remote Amazonian regions may be taxed via habitat destruction and strip mining by Micro$oft’s global subsidiary: Plutonium Smog Heavy Industries.

An injunction hearing was scheduled for next Friday, but is currently on hold as the plaintiffs can’t get their file-servers to “go” after they inexplicably went on the fritz shortly after announcing opposition to Micro$oft’s patient.

Plans to cover this story by all subsidiaries owned by TW/AOL and Disney have also been put on hold, “Our polls indicate that readers want more Britney Spears,” Said Michael Eisner yesterday “I don’t make 60,000 dollars an hour by covering boring stuff you know.” For now it looks like SMEAT! will have an uphill legal and logistical battle ahead of him as no one seems to care much about the lawsuit. Some liberals speculate however, that the ramifications of this patient have yet to be seen. But mostly people are just tired of hearing about evolution, “I wish the silly idea would just go away” said one Texas resident, voicing the thoughts of most Americans, “if they want to own the stupid notion it’s their business, but everyone knows its Wrong!” Wrong or not, Micro$oft appears poised to defend their patient with “every drop of their liquid 40 billion eating a hole in our pocket” said a different spokesbot, “if it’s a war they want, then that’s what they’ll get.”