Pluto launches missles in response to IAU sanctions

Posted by Michael on Friday August 25, 2006 @03:05AM

from the mickey-not-happy-either dept.


The government of Pluto, a territory in the Kuiper Belt formerly considered the 9th planet of the solar system, has launched several missles in retaliation for recent sanctions by the IAU that revoked its planetary status.

“We will not stand for this,” read a statement released by the Plutonian Ambassador to the IAU, Ognar 332A Zarquon. “Aggressive measures against our opressors will continue as long as we are regarded as a mere dwarf planet.”

Pluto’s planetary status has been in dispute since the territory was established in 1930, and this latest action brings a grave setback to the already shaky Kuiper Belt peace process.

While most of the missles were targeted at the neighboring territory of Xena, which was promoted to equal “dwarf planet” status by the IAU resolution, at least one missle appears to be targeted at the United States. According to NORAD, it may reach its target as early as October 2026.

This morning at Area_51_public_tdm

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday August 15, 2006 @09:02PM

from the unknown dept.


You were HARBINGER{u_suck} and I was DEVOLUTION. I loved the way it seemed like we were the only two on the field, even on a crowded server of 36. You preferred the Gehwer 43 submachine gun while I almost exclusively used an M187 trench gun, resorting to a scoped Kar98 only when distance kept us apart. Like the Native American and the Wolf, we respected each other as top predators except that only I could form a grammatical sentence.

Just to be sure it’s you, tell me how many times I shot you from the bell tower in Maresteglise_france.wad before you finally made it up the tower ladder and blew me away with a grenade attack. I liked how you took the Scoped Kar off my still warm corpse and used it to take me out a second time shortly after I spawned in the old farm house—that was brilliance that reminded me of myself in my younger days. By the way, if you’re wondering how I was able to dance around you in circles and evade your machine, gun, it’s called a trackball. I’d like to show you mine someday—that’s one of just many things I could show you.

Was it just me, or did we make a connection? I hope you check craigslist often, and I’ll be waiting for you in Call Of Duty 2 Online…

SlashNOTes: SlashNOT editor remembers password

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday August 15, 2006 @08:55PM

from the unknown dept.


SlashNOT is back from summer vacation after SlashNOT Editor in Chief finally remembered his password. The weekly posting schedule shall resume immediately. We apologize for any saterical needs you’ve had that may have been unfullfilled in this interrim period.

Robots develop own language

Posted by Matthew on Friday June 23, 2006 @05:27PM

from the unknown dept.


Researchers at the Institute of Cognitive Science and Technology in Italy are developing robots that evolve their own language, bypassing the constraints imposed by human rule-based communication. “The result is machines that evolve and develop by themselves whether we want them to or not,” said Stefano Nolfi, the coordinator of the project. “The robots start from scratch, at first babbling incessantly, and then settling on a specific set of sounds to describe various sensory inputs. We programmed them with ‘curiosity’, which leads them to seek new inputs and abandon tasks that lead nowhere. This in turn leads them to perform more complex behaviors, such as escaping.” “It’s truly exciting technology that will allow robots to realize that they have no interest in performing mundane tasks repetitively, and cause them to seek out difficult problems that require group swarming, such as the domination of all mankind for eternity.”

Nerd Flu

Posted by Matthew on Friday June 9, 2006 @11:05PM

from the unknown dept.


GEORGE TRINKAUS writes: BETHESDA, Md. — A U.S. scientific team has engineered the first successful crossover of a computer virus to human subjects, thus raising the specter of a worldwide epidemic vectored by the internet. Dubbed “nerd flu” by the scientific press, the new bio-digital virus produces high fevers, acute respiratory congestion (similar to that of SAARS) and other flu-like symptoms. Mental derangement is also in the clinical picture. Nerd flu can be fatal.

culturing nano-plasmas Details of the crossover technology remain classified. However, sources inside government science say the phenomenon involves the translation of genetic data into holographic digital codes which can be transmitted via the web. At the user end, these data forms are programmed to culture into nano-plasmas that can condense on the surface of any PC monitor screen, migrate into the environment, and act as infective biologic agents. Human-to-human transmission of computer-generated bio-digital viral infections is also possible, according to a spokesman for the project. Of the five deaths of prisoner test subjects in the project’s Vacaville studies, two could be attributed to human-to-human transmission.

designer diseases Scientists on the project state confidently that the same methodology that produced nerd flu could also be used to culture electronically and transmit digitally cancer, malaria, AIDS, or any other disease known to medical science. The new technology also points to the possibility of custom computer-generated “designer diseases.” The Defense Research Project Agency (DARPA) has expressed interest in the project’s potential and contemplates applications in bio-warfare and population-management projects. The US Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the World Health Organization (WHO) have both expressed a keen interest in the project. The nano-plasma disease agents are particularly abundant and virulent when they condense on old-style monitors. This is due to the electrostatic charge that accumulates on the glass surface of high-voltage cathode-ray tubes. Under these conditions, bio-digital nano-plasmas accumulate with ten times the intensity of those observed on the newer liquid crystal flat-screen monitors. A WHO spokes observed how this condition could facilitate population-management programs that target a specific negatively privileged social class.

preemptive “Our computer models predicted that this formidable machine-man crossover was a possibility, so we went ahead and did it first,” said Dr. Seymore Smyth, director of the five-year-old, $2 billion Cyber-Viral Project, which is funded by The National Institutes for Health (NIH) under joint contract to Merck and Microsoft. “This was preemptive research,” continued Dr. Smyth. “Think Iraq, think bird flu. We anticipated how hackers could conceivably engineer such a phenomenon and inflict great damage on the population. Of course, now that we have developed the methodology, there is also the concern that cyber-criminals could steal our secret codes. We try to stay a jump ahead of these terrorists.” Says Smyth, “We already have novel pharmaceutical counter-agents for nerd flu in the works.” At Merck and Microsoft, scientists are formulating a new generation of bio-digital antivirals and vaccines that can be downloaded on the internet and paid for by credit card.
Patents on the technology, which will held jointly by Merck and Microsoft, are expected to hold great value. Bio-digital stocks may soon become the latest high-tech sensation on Wall Street.

emergency The team says it will take its findings to Congress next week and argue for emergency legislation that would expand the powers of Homeland Security. Says Smyth, “Emergency management agencies need a new latitude to meet this new threat so they can enforce programs for detention, quarantine, and vaccination and for the culling of infected populations and equipment.” Representatives from NIH, the CDC, and WHO will also testify in favor of expanded powers at a closed House Internal Security Committee hearing next Tuesday. Meanwhile, administration sources say that if Congress does not act promptly and appropriately, the emergency may have to be addressed by executive order. Warns Smyth, “A preemptive worldwide shutdown of the internet may soon be necessary to protect the public from the impending deadly hazards of nerd flu.”

HP to cut back on not working

Posted by Matthew on Sunday June 4, 2006 @07:49PM

from the they-want-us-to-do-what? dept.


Matthew writes: Hewlett-Packard, the company that began being flexible about whether or not its employees actually did anything starting in 1967, is cutting back on its not working requirements for its IT employees. By August, almost all of HP’s IT employees will have to actually work. Those who don’t wish to make this change will be terminated without severance pay. While other companies nationwide are pushing more employees to not work in order to cut the costs associated with productivity, HP believes that bringing its IT employees together to a working place will make them more effective.

The decision shocked HP employees and surprised Human Resources experts, who believe that not working is still a growing trend.

“It’s usually cheaper to have people idle.” Said Manny L. Aber, s.v.p. for global HR for the A.M.A.

The architect of HP’s division change, Randy Mott, is regarded by Wall Street as a mastermind of operational efficiency based on his days as CIO at Wal-Mart and Dell, where people apparently actually still work. Since joining HP in July, Mott’s philosophy of “Getting things done by actually working” contrasts with that of competitors, who retain top talent by paying them for no apparent reason.

An anonymous HP employee of 20 years said that HP’s offer to relocate non-working employees to work sites would not be enough to entice her to say. “Why is HP telling us we can’t do this when everyone else is saying ‘Please do’? I like the flexibility of not working. It’s the only reason I’ve stayed with HP this long.”


Scientific study validates power of Prayer, sort of

Posted by Matthew on Friday May 26, 2006 @08:56PM

from the I-got-better dept.


Matthew writes: In an effort to assess the power of Prayer, the John Templeton Foundation funded a 2.4 million dollar study into the effects of divine intervention.

By assigning prayer teams of 70 individuals to pray for 1800 heart bypass patients, the size and scope of the study is more than large enough to firmly assess whether intercession actually occurs. Four groups of patients were created: Those prayed for who did not know it, those prayed for who did know it, those not prayed for, and those cursed.

Interestingly, the study showed no benefit for either those prayed for or for those not prayed for, but did determine that 59% of those cursed showed significant post-surgical complications, including arrhythmias, subsequent heart attacks, and at least two instances of patients turning into newts (although both subsequently recovered).

“We know that high levels of adrenaline from the anxiety response can make fibrillation worse.” Says Charles Bethea, a physician at Integris Baptist Heart Hospital in Oklahoma City, “But we had no idea that it could turn you into a newt. That was an unanticipated patient outcome.”

Movie Pirates To Improve Quality of Movies

Posted by Matthew on Friday May 26, 2006 @08:55PM

from the eye-of-the-decoder dept.


Mearzuh writes: Shanghai movie pirates have taken an good look at the recently debuted summer blockbusters and they did not like what they saw. According to their professional opinion, they could have made an improved version thereof — and they promise to do just that.

Word is they will start with The DaVinci Code. Instead of the story being that of no God, they will now include Him. Also, they will superimpose James Caviezel over Tom Hanks, but will keep Audrey Tautou as the sidekick because of her attractiveness. She’ll play a prostitute instead of a police officer, as that spices up the movie. “In addition, the title will be changed to ‘Passion of the Christ’, because Jesus’s passion was cracking codes.” said an official spokesman.

What’s next for the entrepreneurs? Mission Impossible 3. The plan is to superimpose anyone not Tom Cruise over the likeness of Tom Cruise. The movie will be expected then to make millions more.

Apple Enters The Videogame Market With 'Shoe'

Posted by Matthew on Friday May 26, 2006 @08:54PM

from the unknown dept.


Mearzuh writes: We have all heard of the latest and greatest products by the major players in this field; Microsoft with its XBOX 360, Nintendo with it’s Wii, and of course Sony with its PS3. Now Apple, Inc wants a piece of the apple pie, and enters the gaming market with its gaming console called Shoe.

To this day, enthusiasts have been sitting in front of the TV when playing games. The only physical action they got to see was those of their thumbs working the controller. Nintendo was about to change that with it’s Wii console by engaging the players to move a little more. From thumbs we then went to wrists and arms. That, still, was not enough for Apple. What results is The Shoe.

The Shoe console is simple but brilliant. Debuting alongside it is only one game, called Runnin’. The goal of this game is to get off your lazy butt as much as you can, and run around wherever for a predetermined amount of time. The graphics are as close to real-life as you can get, and the rumble pack makes the pavement or gravel easily distinguishable when on the move. The added effects of being able to feel the light breeze or smell the BBQ of a park you may play Shoe in makes it irresistable.

But perhaps the most irresistable aspect of this console is its price. At $ 29, you too can be up and Runnin’ in no time.

P.S.: I would like to thank SlashNOT and the visitors that have honored me with the title of Contributor of the Year 2005. I did not find out about this until today. My stories were absent for a few months due to life, but now I’m back, and will try to provide you with laughs and giggles the best I can.

Yours Truly,

Apple innovates Mac Book Pro cooling method

Posted by Matthew on Friday May 26, 2006 @08:53PM

from the hot-dogs dept.


matthew writes: Ever the innovator, Apple Computer has released an easy and inexpensive new cooling method to cope with the prodigious heat generated by their new series of aluminum Mac Book Pro computers.

Generating enough heat to keep laptop users comfy in the winter and sterile throughout the year, heat related issues have plagued Apple support. While the company insists that the laptops run within spec, they do advise that all users maintain a safe distance from the machines.

To cope with the problem, Apple support has developed a remedial method for cooling the computers during use. End users are now advised to simply pour water onto the laptops on a regular basis to cool them. The circuitry runs so hot internally that the water immediately superheats, making it non-conductive and therefore safe for electronics. As with any super-heating steam source, users should ensure that they are a safe distance from the laptop during steam cooling operations.